" the ladies who's a virgin, one in herself, does what she doesn't for strength or out of the will to thrill, yet simply because what she does is true." here's writing with a pondering middle, mixing paintings, literature, faith and large case fabric. keeps the author's pioneering paintings at the female in either men and women.

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Maybe it is Fate. Maybe we weren't meant to be together. After these reflections, still contaminated by an attitude of judge and blame, she had the following dream: I'm sitting up in my very first bed. I'm facing the head as a child might in play. Leaning against the headboard is Laurence Olivier, the object of my most varied and detailed  adolescent fantasies. He is old, but still enormously attractive, with an abundance of snow­white hair. We are in a relationship, have been for some months at least—a settled sort  of thing. The thought comes to me that it's rather delightful to have my adolescent fantasy come true almost as I imagined it. At this point we are both assailed by an  overwhelming sexual desire, which we are about to give in to when I awaken. "I awoke with a boot in my stomach," Martha said. "I felt crushed, overwhelmed. Then relief. At least I know now what I've been living with all my life. I recognize the  fantasy world. " The dream suggests that the fantasy world has been with her ''for some months at least," a poignant understatement in light of the setting in her "very  first bed. " Laurence Olivier, the elegant father­figure, is very old, clearly suggesting that this fantasy attitude is outworn. The dream clarifies in no uncertain terms the cross Martha has been on all her life, and at the same time delivers "the boot in her stomach," the transcendent that can  release her. Here is the same conflict that was inherent in her recurring childhood dream mentioned earlier: the desire to escape, the desire to connect. Escaping into  the complex (abandoning herself to Sir Laurence, the consummate actor), protects her from the pain of connecting to life. It also separates her from her own authentic  Being in her own body. It is the actual experience of the kick in the stomach that makes her wake up to where she has been all her life—in a compromise with an  phantasm. That fantasy world is a pact with the devil. The kick is the wound from the Self through which the god can enter. The dream has thrown the ego out of the crib  and into the fire. Having seen and abandoned the fantasy, the dreamer is now the abandoned one, free to abandon herself to her own life. Martha, like so many of her contemporaries, is now attempting to consolidate her insights. She is attempting to be nothing more nor less    Page 53 than who she is, determined to put her energy into her creative work. With such an attitude she is more likely to be able to accept the next man in her life as he really  is, while the contradiction at the core of her own life becomes more clear: I am still split on some level. I am still angry, unreconciled. Intellectually I realize I set up an impossible situation for him. I think I was unconsciously very negative. I think he read  the real message, which was very critical. I think I was demanding perfection. My anger is directed not at him but at all men. It's an intellectual construct: deflect my anger off  myself by making him wrong. It's myself I'm angry at.

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